It's time for me to have a well deserved go at a mobile phone company called O2. I cannot believe the idiocy that clearly roams their halls, stores, accounts dep and head office.
Once upon a time...there was a phone...lets call him "mobly". This clever little fella could sing, dance, make coffee, bring your slippers, order your take outs, do your accounts, take ur calls and do a backward flip whilst balancing your books!
Oh how little Freddie wanted "mobly" She lusted and fanatasised about all the different positions mobly and her would invent. She dreamed of that eternal moment when her and Mobly would finally meet. The wind would be gently brushing her cascading hair from her glowing face, her eyes bright and clear with just a hint of a tear forming in the corner. Her lips pursed, aching and slightly parted in anticipation of total bliss, when her and mobly were finally united.
BUT...there was an evil, evil element to this glorious unity. The big, bad, ugly, slimey service provider "O2". Disguised as something one needed in order to breath, masquerading as being better than multiple orgasms... it waited, knowing that Freddies desire for Mobly was more than she could ignore and slowly and surely...it drew its plans....
DAA DAA DAAAAAAAAAAA DADADA DADADA DAA DAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAA DADADA DADADA....*intro music for war of the worlds the original*
So Freddie and Mobly found each other, and were promised 18 months of happiness and prosperity....but merely weeks later Freddie discovered something terrible about Mobly. He just wasnt all that O2 had promised he would be. He couldnt perform half the glorious functions he was designed to do. Freddie was distressed, distraught, dishevelled! "oh why dear mobly? Why??!?!" she cried. She asked O2 to help, but there were many faces, many voices, many names. All chanting in unison ..."please hold the line... maybe so n so can help... not my department... try this number..." on and on it went, the hours turned into days, the days to weeks, the weeks to months! Finally, it was confirmed... brand spankin new Mobly...needed a.....oh dear god....can it be true....no no....not her beautiful new mobly....S O F T W A R E U P G R A D E!!!!.....................ARRRRGHHHHHHH!!
Yes children, Mobly...couldnt get it on, up, in, wotever. Yes children, Mobly had to be sent away! And while Mobly was getting the upgrade he was 'supposed to come with on purchase' Freddie was given... a loan phone! Gasp! Which she had to pay a D e p o s i t for...gasp#2!
Freddie was mad! Freddie wanted justice! Freddie drew her own plan! *see above for war of the worlds intro*
Freddie found the email address of the BIG chief executive officer of O2. Freddie didnt want to play with Mobly anymore. She didnt want to play with O2 anymore. Neither had serviced her needs adequitely. She told c.e.o how unhappy she was, and how she just wanted out. Out of the contract. Out of the painfull frustration that was. C.e.o listened. He sent his bishop to smooth Freddie over with offers of a new Mobly, a better improved Mobly. But freddie was tired. She just wanted it to all be over. So the bishop agreed for it to be over. He agreed to cancel her contract with NO penalties, to refund her original payment and to make the transistion as easy as possible.
Her number was returned to her immediately. The bishop warned her that a final statement would be sent out... a sum of £400 odd, but to ignore it as he would immediately reverse it. He told her to return loan phone to the store for her refund and to take mobly's accessories back too. She followed his instruction, but when she got to the store the shmuck said that even though the contract was cancelled, mobly belonged to Freddie. Even though she was being reimbursed for the purchase, Mobly MUST go home with Freddie. So Freddie sighed, shrugged and agreed. But shmuck returned after 30mins to tell Freddie, Mobly was missing! But he would post Mobly to her. And so...she left.
A few days later, Freddie recieved a remittance from O2 stating it had an enclosed cheque for the amount to be reimbursed....ehahhhh...NO such enclosure! Freddie called the accounts dep who insisted, the payment had be done electronically... ehahhhhh...NO bank account details! They said they would call her back... ehahhhh....NO call back! Shmuck still hasnt sent mobly back to Freddie.
Freddie gets a letter from her bank telling her... O2 just tried to withdraw £400 odd from her account! Due to there not being enough funds, The bank will now be making a £30 charge...and if that charge makes her account go into unauthorised overdraft...they will make ANOTHER £28 charge!
Freddie is now spitting mad!! Fire is looming in her eyes, steam is gushing from her flaring nostrils, her flowing hair turns into screaming writhing souls, her teeth turn razor sharp and her forked tongue slithers between their knife like edges....
C.E.O of O2......Freddie is P I S S E D!!!
to be continued......