Today I saw a pic of my most special and longest standing friendy In the whole wide world....with a very preggy tummy. A moment I have been longing to witness for many many years, and many many tears.
This brave woman, a beautiful woman, exquisite from the inside out, who has struggled to be the truest version of herself, for as long as I have known her.
The day we met, her mother had threatened her with a baseball bat. (She probably did something to provoke it) but in my mind at the tender and impressionable age of 14, I was afraid for her. Shortly after our meeting, she found her mother dead, having comitted suicide. For a couple of years, she continued to live at home, caring for her younger sister whilst her father, who lived an hour away, visited on the weekends. She went off the rails somewhat, and got involved with people who could provide her with the escape she so desperately sought. Weed, Mandrax, cocaine all became the order of the day. At one point, her father gave her a choice, either to go live with him on his farm, or to find somewhere else to stay. She asked my mom, if she could come and live with us.
How super groovy cool! We were like sisters! We hung out, when we wanted to, and we went our seperate ways...when we didnt want to. Her dad used to bring us fresh veggies from his farm every week. Once I came home from a night out, and she had brought a guy home whom she had met that night. I noticed he was carrying a gun. I asked him to either leave the gun outside the house, or to leave with his gun. She was FURIOUS with me! But, I only did what I believed a good older sister should do. I dont regret that day. She came right for a short while, stopped the drugging ect. But then she decided to go back home to her late moms house.
We didnt see each other for months at a time, everytime I went round to see her, her druggie friends were with her. I tried to turn a blind eye to it all. I loved her and wanted her to know I wouldn't judge her choices. I didnt have to like them tho. One day... I just couldn't do it anymore, as I watched her and her boyfriend at the time, argue about who was going to get the "cream" of a mandrax pipe, and watching her and her friends passing around a "spit bucket" for them to hack up this vile poison that collects in your throat and spit it into the bucket... my heart broke into tiny shards, my eyes stinging to fight back the tears, I got up to leave. I turned to her and my parting words were: " I love you too much to sit here and watch you kill yourself" and left. She chased after me and found me in my car, crying. She apologised and promised to never do that stuff infront of me again. I told her that I just couldn't cut it anymore, that I would always be there for her, but as long as she chose this path, I wouldnt be visiting anymore.
A few years more passed, and shortly after my wedding, our paths crossed once again. Although we would have fleeting moments inbetween, I kept my distance. But then, something happened, I got pregnant! Suddenly I realised that there would be somebody else in my life who would need my unconditional love. So, I told my friend that it was time for her to make a choice. To choose to be a part of my life on a full time basis, or not at all. Either way, I would always love her.
She chose to invest in our friendship, and I will be forever gratefull for her choice because from that moment to this, I carried a very special place for her in my heart. She became Sash's godmother, and I couldnt have created a better godmother for my child if I had been given a magical cut out doll! Her love for my daughter grew greater with each moment they shared. She would make time to visit with her, when I wasn't even there, and she would play with her and talk to her and take her on outings. She would show Sash the world where people are good and beautiful. She would always remind Sash that she was an angel, and that sometimes being an angel would hurt, but that meant she was doing a good job of being an angel.
All these memories came flooding back to me in that tiny moment when I saw my friend cupping her bulging tummy. The agony I felt, when she told me that her first baby had died in her womb at 5 months. How she'd had to deliver this prescious angel into the world without so much as one small delicious breath before parting again forever.
So, to see her, this incredible soul who's being has so enriched mine, awaiting the birth of a healthy prince...oh... words cannot describe adequatly... just a lingering ache in my heart for the joy about to be bestowed upon her. Merely weeks away now.
My only regret is that I wont be there pacing the nursing home halls, awaiting news of his safe arrival, that your god-daughter wont be there to greet her god-brother.
And finally ...that moment where I get to hold him, kiss the bridge of his nose and tell him how INCREDIBLY PROUD I am of his clever, beautiful mommy!