19 May 2005


Whenever I heard this song...you were the one person who came to mind.... "did you think I would leave you dying when theres room on my horse for two... climb up here, dont be crying I can go just as fast with two..."

no more....no more.....

Something happened a few weeks ago that has left me reeling in the aftermath. I came face to face with the reality that a huge part of my life had come to an abrupt close.

A person who had played an enormous role in my growing and adult years, someone whom I believed to be one of the most important people in my life, and by his own admission, I was the same to him.

I loved this man so much, I gave him the prestigious privilege of being the godfather to my two precious children. I did this, as I couldn’t think of anyone more deserving of this honour. I believed he would love them as his own. I believed he would love them as he loved me... as I loved him.

We were connected on so many levels, spiritually, emotionally, soulfully...and every other ...ly. So much so that when I was due to deliver my first-born, and he was living in London... We were so cosmically connected that although I had no idea he intended to surprise me with his early arrival... And I had gone into a 2-week early labour... Baby refused to enter the world till I saw his boots behind the curtain and burst into tears cos I totally knew it was him (arriving straight from the airport) and only then... 36 hours later... An angel was born.

We were that close that anyone entering our bubble would be summarily informed...love me...love my cuz! Package deal!

Things changed, he married, his priorities changed, as they should. But something was never quite right after that, was it jealousy on her part or mine? We will never know. All I know is that slowly and surely she drew her plans. No matter how hard I tried, regardless of how many tears I cried, the greater became the divide between us.

Finally after 8 years of acceptance, tolerance and unconditional love for him, his wife and his children, his complete lack of a backbone to stand up to his overbearing, controlling and sometimes even methodically vindictive viper... his refusal to give a continental fuck about my feelings...even when I reached out, crying in pain…he wouldn’t even piss on me if I were on fire!!
I allowed him to stomp, squish and obliterate the love I so desperately wanted to share with him… and his children.


So... Farewell, I will always love u, I will always love your children, but I will never ever give you permission to abuse me again. I deserve better than that....nay... I command and demand better than that. As long as u continue to deny yourself of who you truly are, as long as you think you can justify your actions, and in many cases, your complete lack of actions toward me and my family... You shall not exist for me.
I mourn your loss, my loss, our children’s loss, our whole family's loss, our mother's loss... I cannot change how it has become... I can only embrace how it is... And remember how it was.


Tammy said...

Sometimes those we love hurt us the most. Hope one day it will all be resolved.
Take care of yourself.

Dawn said...

Yades ~ The one constant thing in our lives, is change! By holding on to "stuff" beyond a certain point, we suffer! If this makes you feel like you have shifted, and let go, then I truly pray for a full healing and even more peace with yourself! Love You! xoxoxo

Freddie said...

if there is one good thing that can come of this...let it be a lesson for my children that sometimes...even love isnt enough... and to KNOW when to let go!

Mum said...

I've always said family is important in our lives, so my heart is sore for you... both. I can only pray that some day the rift will be repaired somehow.

Luv ya!